The last post was really quite unfair of me.
I posted it with the intentions of going home, curling up in my bed, and watching endless youtube and netflix videos until I ran out of tears. But, it's still unfair of me. Unfair of me to you. Unfair of me to my parents. Unfair of me to myself.
I'm still not able to explain what happened in full - just know that eventually I will get my hip. As soon as I lose 20 more pounds I will be whisked into surgery; I made Kathy pinkie promise.
I don't think I'll ever fully explain what went wrong today. Just know that I screamed, cried, told them I would rather die than go home without finishing pre-op and being okayed for next Friday. That was unfair to my mom...I just, I'm in so much pain.
I'm giving myself one dark day and then I'll be back. I probably won't be happy until I lose 20 more pounds, but I guess being unhappy and trying to function is better than being unhappy and shutting down completely.